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May 7th, 2006

Pipe Smoke: A Stream

The gang finally stepped out to the bar. Logan slipped into my bedroom and assured me they would leave. Silence is restful and calms my nerves.

Smoke billows from my pipe. Its cool and soothing, matching Adams' music.

Horney buddies randomly pop up on my messenger! Why even stay logged in at this hour?!

I failed this semester. In some way I am relieved because its consequential. My initial, academic potential fizzled into meaninglessness.

Part's Spiegel im Spiegel again. I listened to it this morning when she left my bed. Even that could not enliven my mood.

Wit. I knew then that death would be my life's work. The play Wit; my dear friend Matt. Denise always knew when I watched it; balling with tears.

Dad says there are some questions that I simply should not ask, or that have no answer. Mom is baffled. She says I learned too much, or no more than I already knew to be true.

Lennidt and I finally spoke. He was quite casual about the week of silence. It's all quite silly.

I imagine my funeral most nights, before falling asleep. It's like the movie Big Fish, neither sad nor happy. Everyone is there: Matt, Denise, Logan, Lennidt, Mom and Dad: my eulogy memorializes how much I thought about every one ... yet how little I cared for any one.

Mom wrote the letter a few years ago. She lost her son, she told me. Now I finally know what she meant. At first it was upsetting; now its merely a realization of reality.

Lennidt pulled the top down in his convertible and we aimlessly drove in the country, simply enjoying the wind, the farms, and each other. He is a beautiful person.

All this self pitying disgusts me just as much as getting drunk at the bar. I wanted to know it all! or at least the pattern, the theme -- silly me! And to think that I would teach. HAH!

Bi Nerd!

Bisexuality is not a phase. It has magnitude and direction.

Hint: this is one of the best juxtapositions of intelligence and sexuality. See: vector spaces and wave motion ... and sexual orientation.