satisfiedSitting in Darkness
Justin: I was just sitting in the dark and listening to the quietness
Justin: it was scary during a few moments
Adam: how so?
Justin: everything seemed to fade away, like a fuzzy dream
Justin: I realized a few things while sitting here
Adam: yes?
Justin: I concluded that death occurs when someone does not animately respond to our interactions with the person
Justin: because sitting here, it felt somewhat like I flirted with death
Justin: not the suicide variety, but withdrawal from others
Adam: are you saying this causes death as we know it?
Adam: or this *is* death?
Justin: a little of both
Justin: the living cause death but the dead exist in it, so to say
Justin: and it occurred to me that the East handles death differently, that they worship ancestors so that those they love continue interacting in their lives
Justin: oh my, now im getting dizzy
Adam: aww
Justin: whenever I think about such things it seems to trigger something physical in me
Justin: I have noticed this correlation before but never was uncertain that my thoughts could induce physiological discomfort
Justin: remove "never" from that last line
As I Fade Away
Justin: you know, i've been drifting since March, by neither going to class nor working, but just sitting and thinking
Justin: do you think about people you have not seen in several
years
Justin: ?
Adam: it's proportional to how close we were when we were together
Justin: so the ratio is decreasing by a rate of how little we see one another now?
Adam: I don't understand your question
Justin: you said proportional, and I think "many physical events are to many mental events"
Justin: so few physical are to few mental
Adam: ok I see
Adam: um. what I'm saying is that quality matters more than quantity
Adam: there are people I see almost daily but never think about
Adam: you have given me precious moments that will live in my memory for a very long time
Justin: hmmm. very long time, I think that is my culprit
Justin: so your thoughts of me are more intense or vivid than of those who you do not think about
Adam: ::sigh:: must you turn this into a psychological inquiry?
Justin: I am just chatting
Justin: I still think about my spiritual brothers and sisters who I grew up with in church, their voices, and their faces
Justin: are you annoyed by me?
Adam: sometimes I'm annoyed by you, but that doesn't change that I like you a lot
Justin: well, these are my thoughts and I value your input
Adam: when I'm in bed I imagine you sometimes and those thoughts are quite vivid
Justin: why in bed?
Adam: that's when I'm in my head most exclusively
Justin: like I am now
Justin: I see
Adam: the lights are off, there's nothing in the physical world to entertain me, so I turn inward
Adam: that stern little face you make when your computer is annoying you
Adam: that explosive laugh of yours
Justin: that is flattering :)
The Way and Suicide
Justin: well, my second conclusion, based upon the first, namely the cause and flirtation with death, is that I see no reason or purpose bo continue with the life that I experience here
Justin: at the same time
Justin: I recognize how other's feel about me, like you mentioning my little quirks, and I cherish my thoughts of people I care about,
Justin: so I am in a quandary really, you see
Adam: are you considering ending your own life?
Justin: I have considered it. I will admit that. however, I feel that the Way brings an end and beginning to life. this Way that I speak of is the harmony I experience and suicide does not seem to me the way for me
Justin: that's redundant, but it is difficult to express
Justin: I do not fear death. some nights I ask a supernatural being, or omnipresent force, or the Way to take my life during my sleep
Justin: I do not really know why it doesn't happen
Adam: well, because the omnipresent force is *me*, silly, and I like you better alive
Justin: lol
Justin: perhaps it is really me who isn't allowing an end to this life
Justin: jinx on that nihilistic part
Traveling to the Misty Mountains
Justin: what do you think about these things?
Adam: what things?
Justin: life and death, silly
Adam: I've come to a fairly ridiculous conclusion
Adam: I've decided I'm not going to die
Adam: I might later overturn that decision, but not soon
Justin: are you talking about the dying people usually refer to, the physical one, or a metaphysical persistence?
Justin: sorry for the big words
Justin: only way I can describe it
Adam: I don't mind big words, but I do mind when I have no idea what you're talking about
Adam: what I'm saying is that I'm going to stay here and live this life for as long as I want to
Adam: only after I've long finished will I move on (through death)
Justin: do you mean I will never view you in a coffin or do you mean that you will die as all others do but continue on somehow or another
Adam: you'll never see me in a coffin
Justin: oh my
Justin: that is ridiculous
Adam: I don't see any good reason to believe I must die
Adam: it seems to me that everyone dies only because it's the fashionable thing to do
Adam: "everyone does it" they say
Justin: I see, and the undying travel deep into the Misty Mountains and life forever as separate from the dying?
Adam: probably not me, but who knows?
Adam: I haven't planned beyond 2006
Justin: ah yes
Justin: the time keeper
Idealism
Adam: I know this though. I'd like to spend more time with you
Adam: and I hope you're around for a good long time
Justin: I spend alot of time with you. I imagine how u respond, what your facial expression is to my questions, when you chastise a movie. you are here alot, and I can find little reason to see you physically
Justin: that is meant as a compliment
Adam: that sad thing is how very much joy I get from my own variety of facial expressions
Justin: ::sigh::
Adam: that is rather flattering in a strange sort of way
Justin: hehe
