Justin (vap0rtranz) wrote,
Justin
vap0rtranz

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Fading Away in my Solitude

This is an edited IM conversation Adam and I started a few hours ago and just finished, and then only because I put him to sleep. Oopsy! I am persistent :) In it, I drag him (and you) through my most recent experience with solitude and my thoughts about death. I edited obvious misspellings, inserted bold subtopics that create a storyline, and shifted responses forward or backward in time so the conversation flows. No grammar changes.

Sitting in Darkness

Justin: I was just sitting in the dark and listening to the quietness
Justin: it was scary during a few moments

Adam: how so?

Justin: everything seemed to fade away, like a fuzzy dream
Justin: I realized a few things while sitting here

Adam: yes?

Justin: I concluded that death occurs when someone does not animately respond to our interactions with the person
Justin: because sitting here, it felt somewhat like I flirted with death
Justin: not the suicide variety, but withdrawal from others

Adam: are you saying this causes death as we know it?
Adam: or this *is* death?

Justin: a little of both
Justin: the living cause death but the dead exist in it, so to say
Justin: and it occurred to me that the East handles death differently, that they worship ancestors so that those they love continue interacting in their lives
Justin: oh my, now im getting dizzy

Adam: aww

Justin: whenever I think about such things it seems to trigger something physical in me
Justin: I have noticed this correlation before but never was uncertain that my thoughts could induce physiological discomfort
Justin: remove "never" from that last line

As I Fade Away

Justin: you know, i've been drifting since March, by neither going to class nor working, but just sitting and thinking
Justin: do you think about people you have not seen in several
years
Justin: ?

Adam: it's proportional to how close we were when we were together

Justin: so the ratio is decreasing by a rate of how little we see one another now?

Adam: I don't understand your question

Justin: you said proportional, and I think "many physical events are to many mental events"
Justin: so few physical are to few mental

Adam: ok I see
Adam: um. what I'm saying is that quality matters more than quantity
Adam: there are people I see almost daily but never think about
Adam: you have given me precious moments that will live in my memory for a very long time

Justin: hmmm. very long time, I think that is my culprit
Justin: so your thoughts of me are more intense or vivid than of those who you do not think about

Adam: ::sigh:: must you turn this into a psychological inquiry?

Justin: I am just chatting
Justin: I still think about my spiritual brothers and sisters who I grew up with in church, their voices, and their faces
Justin: are you annoyed by me?

Adam: sometimes I'm annoyed by you, but that doesn't change that I like you a lot

Justin: well, these are my thoughts and I value your input

Adam: when I'm in bed I imagine you sometimes and those thoughts are quite vivid

Justin: why in bed?

Adam: that's when I'm in my head most exclusively

Justin: like I am now
Justin: I see

Adam: the lights are off, there's nothing in the physical world to entertain me, so I turn inward
Adam: that stern little face you make when your computer is annoying you
Adam: that explosive laugh of yours

Justin: that is flattering :)

The Way and Suicide

Justin: well, my second conclusion, based upon the first, namely the cause and flirtation with death, is that I see no reason or purpose bo continue with the life that I experience here
Justin: at the same time
Justin: I recognize how other's feel about me, like you mentioning my little quirks, and I cherish my thoughts of people I care about,
Justin: so I am in a quandary really, you see

Adam: are you considering ending your own life?

Justin: I have considered it. I will admit that. however, I feel that the Way brings an end and beginning to life. this Way that I speak of is the harmony I experience and suicide does not seem to me the way for me
Justin: that's redundant, but it is difficult to express
Justin: I do not fear death. some nights I ask a supernatural being, or omnipresent force, or the Way to take my life during my sleep
Justin: I do not really know why it doesn't happen

Adam: well, because the omnipresent force is *me*, silly, and I like you better alive

Justin: lol
Justin: perhaps it is really me who isn't allowing an end to this life
Justin: jinx on that nihilistic part

Traveling to the Misty Mountains

Justin: what do you think about these things?

Adam: what things?

Justin: life and death, silly

Adam: I've come to a fairly ridiculous conclusion
Adam: I've decided I'm not going to die
Adam: I might later overturn that decision, but not soon

Justin: are you talking about the dying people usually refer to, the physical one, or a metaphysical persistence?
Justin: sorry for the big words
Justin: only way I can describe it

Adam: I don't mind big words, but I do mind when I have no idea what you're talking about
Adam: what I'm saying is that I'm going to stay here and live this life for as long as I want to
Adam: only after I've long finished will I move on (through death)

Justin: do you mean I will never view you in a coffin or do you mean that you will die as all others do but continue on somehow or another

Adam: you'll never see me in a coffin

Justin: oh my
Justin: that is ridiculous

Adam: I don't see any good reason to believe I must die
Adam: it seems to me that everyone dies only because it's the fashionable thing to do
Adam: "everyone does it" they say

Justin: I see, and the undying travel deep into the Misty Mountains and life forever as separate from the dying?

Adam: probably not me, but who knows?
Adam: I haven't planned beyond 2006

Justin: ah yes
Justin: the time keeper

Idealism

Adam: I know this though. I'd like to spend more time with you
Adam: and I hope you're around for a good long time

Justin: I spend alot of time with you. I imagine how u respond, what your facial expression is to my questions, when you chastise a movie. you are here alot, and I can find little reason to see you physically
Justin: that is meant as a compliment

Adam: that sad thing is how very much joy I get from my own variety of facial expressions

Justin: ::sigh::

Adam: that is rather flattering in a strange sort of way

Justin: hehe
Tags: death, depression / mania, dialogues & conversations, philosophy, relationships
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