Justin (vap0rtranz) wrote,

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a real diary

so i'm going to try my hands at a "real" diary by spewing out gobs of emotions and streams of consciousness -- even all lowercase words!

i got back from visiting the family today.  i'm much better.  my appetite is back and i feel far less anxious about things.  Aunt Lisa asked how often I eat alone.  oh how wise she is about our mutual depressions.  my sisters and parents really didn't "do" anything because they were working during the day, but just being around them, eating dinner, talking about life and its doldrums -- anything -- just made things better.  even though we are all worried about Denise (and that means there is something other than me to be anxious about), the few days i spent there lifted the swirling nonsense that was closing in fast.  it seems silly now that i went up there so hastily.  but it merely seems that way.  being alone in boone for 4 days would have probably made things worse.  Kim can't always come over immediately because i'm having some kind of anxiety episode, and i wouldn't expect Steve to hang around just because its nice to hear someone in the house, nor would i want to burden distant friends with things that are helped by dinner for two or a movie together at home.  no, in some sense, dad was right when he said a long time ago, "Family will always be here."  (I detested him saying that but I was also young ... or less threatened; more open)   true to his word, my family is there, not far away, and ready to take me in their arms again.  in some ways its like a child returning but it can't be that way because its my parents who are growing smaller.  i aim to be more goal oriented and focused about what needs to be done there.  they're asking when i will move closer to them and be with them again. 

so being around family and friends helps me get through the day.  it never was like this before.  i would spend days alone with my computers and worry only about how i could quietly slip away from people.  now, after a hard lesson in how some people are -- to say it simply -- bad, i want to be around my friends and family; around good people.  this is practically a 180 degree turn in the egotistical, independent mantra about me, mine, and Irene.  its also ironic.  in one way this turn of events is (i hope) a beginning for connecting with people i trust and care about, yet in another way it's reconnecting with everyone i have known and have trusted, and in this way its an ending.  so many old friends and i have recently reconnected that it feels more like fate than coincidence.  i think it started with Adam a few months ago, or it may have been Richie and a few others from the Jehovah's Witnesses youth group, and then Aric popped up a few weeks ago after several years, and just today my high school "sweetheart" (who made me so nervous i wouldn't ask her to prom) sent a message on Facebook.   it would be dishonest of me not to admit that this many friends popping out of the woodworks of my past can't be a kind of Big Fish moment in my life.  like the father in that movie, this feels like a gathering of friends and family for some ultimate experience.  ... i always liked that movie; it was silly and tragic, but in a good way -- like me :)  and i like it because Logan said i would.  that's what friends are for.

so there it is, a lowercase babbling of thoughts and feelings.
Tags: depression / mania, family, friends, journaling & blogging, relationships
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